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| Well I'm back...
I can't say that I'm home though.
I left two weeks ago sunday. I got on a plane, flew for six hours, got picked up by someone I don't really know, got dropped off at a school where I knew nobody and had absolutely no clue what to expect, spent two weeks dancing my ass off, bonding with 42 of the most incredible people I have ever meant in my life, crying, laughing, singing, performing, and being told every day that I am not a failure, I am good enough, and I can make a difference.
I come back a changed person. I have new morals, new ideals and beliefs on what a family is. I have learned and changed more in the last two weeks than I have the entire rest of my life. I can't exactly explain why either. All I know is that I came back changed, and no longer feel that I fit here.
**Thank you for getting back in touch with me. I really missed you and am glad you could forgive me for what I have done in the past to cause us to drift, I also forgive you. Clean slate, we are different people now and I think can have a different friendship then we did before, but a good kind of different. I had alot of fun with you yesterday and am here anytime you need help packing...or just company.
**I'm very confused. I feel like I have been there for you through everything. You couldn't possibly imagine how many sleepless nights I have had worrying about you. I almost didn't go to California because I was worried about what might happen while I was gone. I'm not looking for praise or anything but I feel completely unappreciated by you. Especially yesterday. You act as if your mad at me or if I'm doing something wrong, but you wont tell me what. Also, you never stop to think about what I go through for you, what I sacrafice for you, because I want to, because your my best friend and I care about you, but maybe just acknowledge it once and a while?
**I know that you feel torn. I know that you can't smoke and you need to keep things good with you parents. I want you to know that I'm here to support you. I still want to hang out with you, even if its just to bake or whatever. Your my friend and I don't want you to ever worry about loosing friends over what you can or can't do because of your parents or for any reason.
I miss Amanda. She was always up for everything, she never made me feel stupid about my dreams. She was the only friend who I can say genuinely supported me in everything I wanted to do. She would come to every show I invited her to, even stupid saturday morning playtime theatre, and not just because she felt like she had to, but because she really wanted to. She enjoyed it, she enjoyed supporting me, I miss that. I miss the days she would just come over my house and we would watch the Sarah Silverman show and laugh over how stupid it was. I feel like we took her for granted, every one of us, I mean we all say we miss her now and we only remember the good times, but there were many times when we weren't very good to her. I regret that, I think that we should appreciate all of our friendships while we have them, before its too late...
some times we forget what we got
And who we are and who we are not
I think we got a chance to make it right
Keep it loose, keep it tight.
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| Wow, just wow. Is that what we base our friendships on now? What in heavens name is this shithole of a world coming to. Seriously, I'm not allowed to have friends because I'm to ugly? Ugly people don't deserve friends? Wow.
I feel so terrible for every bad thing I've ever said to anything. I now know exactly what every person I have ever hurt must feel like. It really hurts to be burned by your friends. It just shows you who your real friends are, and I guess for me that consists of one. Well at least they left me one. I don't know what I would do without her because right now I'm just so on the edge. I'm ready. I just want to go.
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| you know what. you can get your fucking mother to do all your fucking dirty work. that just shows your immaturity. get me in trouble, get me kicked out of my fucking house. i hope your happy with yourself you fucking bitch. it wasnt me who started this, we havnt been friends for a long time. you cant fucking pick and chose when you want to be friends with someone, you have your "better" older friends now, so you dont need me. thats how you work, you only come back to me when you need me. well fuck you its over bitch.
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